He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
