The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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