I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
