my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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