So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I AM VODKA MAN
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
