just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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