i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
