I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
