I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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