Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
