I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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