I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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