I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
So many bounce houses so little time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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