she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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