Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
