He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
