Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
