I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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