I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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