I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
