why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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