i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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