Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
