I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
