My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
how do flat chested girls get laid?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
