And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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