Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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