that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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