im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
