you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
