Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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