I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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