Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
3pm strippers are depressing
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
