my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
