We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
