I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
