It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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