i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
