I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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