Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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