walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
