and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
