well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
