The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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