Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
