Your face is a jimmy john
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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