i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
