remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
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