She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
