ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
