I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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