fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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