Walk of Shame. In a state park.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
