thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
