those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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