Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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