are you so shy because you have an std?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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