I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
