He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I think I sprained my soul last night
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
