I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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