made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
