I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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