I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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