Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
